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This past week has felt like a lifetime of news, so you’d be forgiven for having lost track of what went down.

But don’t worry - we were on hand to sacrifice our eyes, ears and what’s left of our dwindling sanity to condense it all into an easy to read email.

So sit back, relax and get stuck into the news you need to know, delivered via carefully crafted and curated memes.

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes.

Quote of the Week

It seems like a lifetime ago that Volodymyr Zelenskyy walked into that absolute car crash of a meeting with Donald Trump at the White House.

Exactly a week ago today, the President of Ukraine and the Orange POTUS clashed over the modestly successful comedian’s Zelenskyy’s willingness to accept peace terms for his country and end the prolonged conflict with Russia.

Presumably after making sweet, tender love to the sofas in the adjoining room, Vice-President JD Vance joined the meeting, lambasting Zelenskyy for not having “said thank you once”.

He had in fact said thank you many times. 

In the aftermath, President Trump ordered a "pause" on all U.S. military aid to Ukraine, aiming to pressure President Zelenskyy into engaging in peace talks with Russia.

European leaders across the pond have rallied in support of Ukraine.

A summit in London, organised by UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer, brought together leaders from numerous European countries and NATO officials to discuss Ukraine's future and security assurances.

Despite being essentially lured into a public bollocking/ambush last week, President Zelenskyy has expressed readiness to sign the original mineral resources agreement with the U.S, assuming it comes with adequate security guarantees.

He emphasised Ukraine's willingness to negotiate for peace and underscored the importance of global support to reassure Ukrainian citizens that they are not alone.

Europe has awoken from it’s 3 hr lunch-break/aperitivo induced siesta and realised that it may have to defend itself against future threats, without necessarily relying on the United States to pick up the majority of the tab.

The European Commission is dusting off its wallet to borrow €150 billion for a major rearmament push.

Unlike the COVID-era grants that kept the bloc’s economy afloat, this round of funding will come in the form of loans, borrowing from capital markets to issue bonds and lend to member states.

REARM Europe plan aims to mobilise a staggering €800 billion over the next four years, primarily by nudging strong-arming member states into ramping up their defence budgets.

If EU nations increase spending by 1.5% of GDP, that alone could unlock €650 billion.

There’s also talk of mobilising private capital, tweaking the European Investment Bank’s mandate to funnel cash into defence firms, and redirecting cohesion funds (which normally help struggling EU regions) towards security spending.

Go fuck yourself EU-funded education scheme in the Balkans, we have tanks to buy!

Longer-term, Brussels is even flirting with the idea of a “rearmament bank” (sounds pretty cool to be fair) backed by the usual suspects in international arms peddling - the UK and the US.

Forget BRAT summer - get ready for a REARM spring.

UK Chancellor set to cut welfare spending by billions

British chancellor Rachel Reeves has now quietly lined up billions in welfare and departmental spending cuts ahead of the Spring Statement, hoping no one would notice that the £9.9 billion spending “buffer” she discussed in October has now vanished into the ether.

In fairness, a lot has happened since her last budget.

Global trade wars, higher inflation, and higher borrowing costs have drained the wiggle room, forcing the government to search for savings elsewhere.

The proposed cuts are expected to land hardest on welfare, particularly health-related benefits, which have surged in cost—up 25% since before the pandemic, and are forecasted to hit £100bn by the next election.

Meanwhile, Reeves is trying to spin this as business as usual, insisting the government was always going to “fix welfare to get people back to work” and push for a more “productive NHS.”

Expect a wave of speeches from Cabinet ministers justifying the cuts, as well as a renewed push for civil service efficiency savings, which translating from bureaucrat to English means: people will be made redundant.

Reeves may have promised fiscal responsibility, but for now, her balancing act looks less like a well-planned budget and more like a high-stakes game of economic Jenga.

Donald Trump issues fresh round of tariffs on major trading partners - then withdraws them

Just days after slapping Canada and Mexico with hefty new tariffs, Donald Trump is already scaling them back—twice in two days.

The latest carveout spares key imports like cars air conditioners, and avocados, because nothing says ‘Make America Great Again’ like making sure the dips keep flowing at Taco Bell.

Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum was quick to thank Trump for the temporary reprieve, while Canada’s ougoing PM and Aladdin impersonator Justin Trudeau admitted that a full-blown trade war is now looking like a long-term fixture of US-Canada relations.

The uncertainty has left markets rattled, with the S&P 500 dropping nearly 1.8% on Thursday and manufacturers finding it near impossible to plan ahead.

Of course, Trump insists this has “nothing to do with the market”, because in his view, tariffs are all about long-term economic strength and bargaining power, not the immediate chaos they cause.

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent took an even more diplomatic approach, calling Trudeau a “numbskull” for considering retaliatory measures.

For businesses caught in the crossfire, the cost is real. Tariff fears have already driven US imports up, widening America’s trade deficit by 34% in January.

But hey, if you’re looking for a safe bet in todays market, I wouldn’t bet against golf equipment retailers in Florida.

British entrepreneur creates CORGI - the UK equivalent of DOGE

James Watt, the self-styled twat punk entrepreneur and former BrewDog CEO, has a new project: slashing government waste.

Inspired by Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) in the US, Watt originally called his The Coalition for Organisational Reform and Government Improvement, or Corgi for short.

Watt insists that Corgi is a serious effort to root out inefficiency in government departments, quangos, and councils.

More than 350 people, from finance execs to civil servants, have already volunteered for the plan. The project’s first report is set for April, with updates every two months.

There’s even talk of anonymous whistleblower hotlines and email dumps for disgruntled bureaucrats to leak examples of government inefficiency.

Watt is no stranger to anonymous leaks himself.

Allegations of a toxic work culture at Brewdog from whistleblowers triggered a BBC investigation and lead to him eventually stepping down from the company he co-founded, leaving a string of sexual harrassment claims in his wake.

Very punk.

But surely this was just an attempt from jealous, work-shy Brits to get back at a successful, self made millionaire like him? There must have been a mastermind behind all of it?

Yeah, his ex-girlfriend, who successfully faked a smear campaign in order to extort £100,000 out of him in “investigative fees”.

Not a very CORGI-friendly use of funds if you ask us.

Top UK health officials to examine potential social media ban for under-16s

England’s chief medical officer, Sir Chris Whitty (yes, the guy from Covid), has reportedly been tasked with deciding whether under-16s should be banned from being lobotimised by addictive short form content on social media.

Ministers are set to commission his advice on the impact of platforms like Instagram and Facebook on children’s mental health, a move that could lead to raising the digital “age of consent” from 13 to 16.

This latest push comes after intense lobbying from Labour MP Josh MacAlister, who has been campaigning to ban under-16s from social media and outlaw smartphones in schools.

MacAlister has also presumably never heard of a VPN, but that’s by the by.

While the government has made some concessions to his Safer Phones Bill, insiders say they’re reluctant to follow Australia’s lead, where under-16s will soon be banned from social media altogether—no exceptions, not even with parental consent.

But the government’s response is already being dismissed as too weak.

MacAlister’s original bill would have forced tech giants to overhaul their platforms by making it illegal to process the data of anyone under 16.

Whitehall sources suggest ministers are wary of provoking Silicon Valley, especially considering the ongoing case with Apple in the UK.

🍻Half Pints

Quick-fire news you might have missed

Memes of the Week

JD Vance of the Week

This week we’re looking at our favourite versions of JD Vance from across the internet.

Honestly, I don’t even know what the guy looks like anymore.

That’s all for today.

We’ll be back, bigger and better, next week.

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