Greetings, loved ones. It’s been a busy week for the 24 hr endless news cycle.

Luckily for you, we’ve been paying (a little too much) attention so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax and get stuck into the news you need to know, delivered to you via carefully crafted and curated memes.

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes.

Quote of the Week

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has taken the stand for the first time in his long-running corruption trial, rejecting what he described as “absurd” allegations against him.

The Israeli prime minister said the charges were an “an ocean of absurdity”.

Israel’s longest-serving prime minister, sometimes known by his nickname “Bibi”, faces charges of bribery, fraud and breach of public trust in three separate cases, dating back to 2019.

He has consistently denied any wrongdoing and has accused the Israeli media of a “leftist bias” against his administration and their ongoing strategy regarding the Palestinian conflict.

Oh, and he also has a ICC issued arrest warrant out for war crimes against Palestinians.

But his chances of suffering any consequences for those look much slimmer than with the corruption charges he’s facing.

Luigi Mangione charged with murdering healthcare CEO in New York

26 year old tech engineer Luigi Mangione, killer of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, was taken into custody on Tuesday after being spotted in a McDonalds in Pennsylvania.

Reaction to his arrest has been markedly different depending on where you are on the internet. Mainstream outlets like Sky, The BBC and The New York Times focus heavily on his allegedly troubled background and “defeated” demeanour.

Social media on the other hand has been much more supportive of Mangione, with people labelling him a hero, focusing on his good looks and pointing out that he seemed to be living a fairly normal life ahead of the murder.

Oracle announces quarterly earnings, looking to invest heavily in cloud computing

Tech giant Oracle announced its quarterly results on Monday. Once better known for its database software, the company has invested heavily in its cloud-infrastructure business.

Bloomberg Intelligence estimates that Oracle’s capital spending could reach around $14bn in fiscal 2025 (ending in May), with the majority going towards its cloud operations.

That level of spending could position Oracle as the fourth-largest cloud provider, trailing just Amazon, Microsoft and Google. The company’s push into cloud services is shrewd.

The artificial-intelligence boom has boosted demand for such services, helping to offset declines in Oracle’s older database products. In the past year the firm’s share price has risen by 67%, compared with 39% for the gains of the Nasdaq, an index of tech-heavy stocks.

This surge has made Larry Ellison, the company’s co-founder, one of the world’s richest people. And Oracle is well-placed to keep thriving: Mr Ellison is a vocal supporter of America’s president-elect Donald Trump.

£1.68bn accounts trick inflated water firm's books

One of the UKs top rated water companies, Severn Trent Water, has been up to some very…creative…accounting.

A BBC Panorama investigation has exposed the company’s £1.68bn accounting conjuring trick, involving a shell company, an IOU, and some seriously creative bookkeeping.

Here’s how the magic works: Severn Trent created a ghost company, Trimpley, valued at £3bn using nothing but a loan note (basically an IOU) from another subsidiary.

No actual cash changed hands, but on paper, Trimpley suddenly looked solid. Severn Trent Water then “invested” in Trimpley, boosting its balance sheet with what might as well be Monopoly money.

The result? A fattened pot of “retained earnings” to justify paying dividends worth £369m more than its profits since 2017.

Saudi Arabia set to host the 2034 FIFA World Cup

The Football Association (FA) has officially supported Saudi Arabia’s bid to host the 2034 World Cup, citing assurances from the Saudi Arabian Football Federation that all fans, including LGBTQ+ individuals, will be “safe and welcome.”

This follows Fifa’s slightly strange process of approving bids by acclamation rather than voting, with Saudi Arabia standing as the sole bidder for the 2034 event.

Critics have questioned the FA’s decision, pointing to Saudi Arabia’s criminalisation of same-sex relationships and ongoing human rights concerns. Norway’s football federation abstained, calling the process flawed, while openly gay footballer Jake Daniels stated he would not feel safe attending.

The FA’s stance reflects a balance between maintaining relations with Fifa, avoiding accusations of hypocrisy, and acknowledging Saudi Arabia’s geopolitical significance to the UK.

However, skepticism remains over whether these assurances will translate into meaningful inclusivity.

🍻Half Pints - Quick-fire news you might have missed

Meme of the Day

It seems Syria’s new interim President Ahmed al-Sharaa and Volodymyr Zelenskyy are both fans of Casual Fridays.

That’s all for today.

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