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Greetings, loved ones.

If you want to be informed and love memes (maybe a little too much), then you’re in the right place. If you hate fun, then now is the time to leave.

As the great Tom Wambsgans said more eloquently than we ever could, “Buckle up fucklehead.”

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes.

Quote of the Week

The children yearn for the mines…

Lawmakers in Florida (where else?!) are advancing measures to relax child labour laws, allowing teenagers as young as 14 to work overnight shifts, including on school days.

Currently, state law restricts minors from working before 6:30 a.m. or after 11 p.m., but the bill would eliminate these limits. It also removes working hour restrictions for 14- and 15-year-olds if homeschooled and ends mandatory meal breaks for 16- and 17-year-olds.

Who needs nutrients at that age anyway?

Governor “Meatball” Ron DeSantis supports the legislation, linking it to labour shortages caused by stringent immigration policies, including state verification laws that have driven out immigrant workers. 

As it turns out, immigrant workers do a lot of the jobs that locals can’t be arsed to do themselves, so they fill a vital role in the labour market.

Meatball argues that employing teenagers fills these gaps, a stance he reiterated at an event with border czar Tom Homan.

Critics argue this reflects a policy shift prioritising deportation over labour stability, using minors to address resulting shortages, with significant implications for education and welfare.

“Surely my taxes can’t go up if government services are being cut across the board?”

UK taxes could rise this autumn, even after Chancellor Rachel “From Accounts” Reeves unveiled sweeping benefit and public sector cuts in her Spring Statement on Wednesday.

The Office for Budget Responsibility (whose employees are always a laugh at the pub) pegs UK growth at a limp 1% this year—down from their more optimistic 2% forecast last October. Growth is expected to crawl to 1.9% next year and 1.8% by 2027.

Big if true…

The UK faces a £36 billion deficit next year and £13 billion the year after. If Reeves holds her nerve and the cuts to welfare and the civil service stick, the UK might just scrape a £9.9 billion surplus by 2029–30.

Of course, slashing disability benefits and laying off civil servants (even the useless ones) isn’t exactly a crowd-pleaser within the Labour ranks—so there could some issues there.

Then there’s the orange maniac’s looming tariff on cars and steel, kicking in April 2nd (more on that later), which threatens UK exports and could help turn Reeves' modest surplus projection into something about as dependable as Elon Musk’s parenting skills.

While they insist taxes won’t rise for working people (employers can go fuck themselves though), the growth rate just isn’t high enough to sustainably fund public services without more tax hikes.

Dont worry though, MP’s will still get their inflation adjusted 2.8% pay rise.

Trump administration discloses classified operations by mistake in a Signal group chat

Pete Hesgeth is proving his chops as the best DUI hire in US government history (maybe just behind Ted Kennedy in the rankings), as he oversaw the accidental addition of the Editor in Chief of The Atlantic to a Signal chat that was discussing classified American war plans in Yemen.

To be fair to him, he was probably still hungover from the night before.

Vice President and amateur Sofa Loverboy J.D Vance and National Security Adviser Mike Waltz were also in the chat, called the “Houthi PC small group”.

Details that leaked included timestamps of drone and F-18 strikes, target movements, and real-time updates on kills.

One message even confirmed a bombing target walking into his girlfriend’s building before it was leveled.

Not the worst way a booty call could end.

National security experts (and Hillary Clinton) are floored by the incompetence on display, but the official line is that the information was sensitive, but not classified.

The best part is that no one really knows how the journo in question ended up in the chat.

National Security Adviser Mike Waltz has claimed “full responsibility” for the incident, claiming that despite not having Goldberg’s number on his phone (a prerequisite for adding someone to a group chat), “Somehow, it got sucked in.”

Keir Starmer seeks deal with US to avoid trade war

The UK won’t be “jumping into a trade war,” says British PM Keir Starmer, as Trump prepares to slap a 25% import tax on foreign cars starting April 2nd — a move that could wreck UK exports and screw over companies like Jaguar Land Rover and Rolls Royce.

Trump claims the tariffs will spark “tremendous growth” and bring car jobs back to the U.S. In the same way that a broken clock is right twice a day, the guy may have a point on this one.

Starmer’s clearly been re-reading his signed copy of The Art of the Deal, as he insists he’s staying "pragmatic and clear-eyed".

He indicated he wants a deal and favours negotiation over EU/Canada-esque retaliation, but also says “all options are on the table.”

The UK exports £7.6bn worth of cars annually, and the U.S. is our second-biggest customer.

The UK government is in talks with the US administration and remains hopeful of a trade deal before tariffs come into force.

Duncan Edwards, chief executive of British-American Business, a group representing transatlantic firms, said there was a "very strong case to be made" that the UK should be free from all US tariffs:

Euro-Zone private sector growth picks up as Germany fuels recovery

Business activity in the eurozone just hit a 7-month high — not exactly a boom, but beggars can’t be choosers, so we’ll take it.

The S&P Global Purchasing Managers Index, an indicator comprised of monthly reports and surveys from private sector manufacturing firms, nudged up to 50.4, just barely in “not-recession” territory.

Analysts were hoping for 50.7, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Germany led the charge, finally dusting off its crusty old Hugo Boss wallet for a massive infrastructure and defence splurge. After five years of economic flatlining, Berlin’s throwing billions at roads, tanks, and anything else that looks vaguely productive.

France also chipped in with a better-than-expected performance, even though it’s still technically shrinking.

Defence spending seems to have thrown Europe an economic lifeline and as the U.S. drifts from its NATO sugar-daddy role, the continent is gearing up to pick up its share of the bill.

Meanwhile, services slowed down a bit, but inflation looks tamer, which might tempt the ECB to cut rates again in April.

Don’t expect the leisurely post-work aperitivos and 3 month long Out of Offices to slow down anytime soon, but the tide might just be turning.

Trump says he may cut China tariffs to seal TikTok sale

The Economist’s arch nemesis and President of the United States Donald Trump has said he may reduce tariffs on China to help facilitate a deal for TikTok to be sold by its Chinese owner, ByteDance.

The Orange Man is open to extending the 5 April deadline for finding a non-Chinese buyer, which stems from a 2024 law citing national security concerns.

Trump noted that China would likely need to approve any sale, and he believes they might do it. He has used tariffs in past negotiations with China and is again suggesting they could be adjusted to secure a TikTok deal.

The app, which is definitely not a Chinese pysop, is used by about about 170 million Americans. Trump, who previously called for it to be banned, now has over 15 million followers on the platform.

The U.S. recently raised tariffs on all imports from China to 20%. China responded with new tariffs on U.S. agricultural goods and measures against U.S. companies.

Beijing reiterated its opposition to additional tariffs and urged the U.S. to return to dialogue.

🍻Half Pints

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Diplomat of the Week

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Thanks to Jack K. and Gabriel