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Quote of the Week

Canada gets a new Prime Minister today, as Fidel Castro’s secret lovechild Justin Trudeau steps aside in favour of Mark Carney, who officially assumes the leadership of the Liberal Party.

The eagle-eyed Brits amongst you might recognise him as the former governor of the Bank of England, having been the first ever foreigner to serve in the position.

According to sources who worked with him in the City, Carney doesn’t flatter fools, and his Davos-attending, globalist instincts put him firmly at odds with the populist crowd.

He allegedly flew into a fit of rage in his office when the UK left the European Union in 2016, calling Brexit voters “a bunch of fucking morons.”

He wasn’t all temper tantrums though.

He turned British monetary policy into a bit of a catwalk — think man bag, festival appearances, Hans Landa George Clooney watching Wimbledon vibes.

But behind the fashionista exterior is a ruthless operator who kept a tight lid on things at Threadneedle Street and was a cool cucumber amidst a chaotic post-Brexit Britain.

He steadied the ship while the pound nosedived and then Chancellor Phillip Hammond was too busy screwing over contractors and claiming that unemployed people didn’t exist.

Now, in a world where liberal globalists are rarer than a reasonably priced carton of eggs, he’s stepping into the spotlight just as Canada’s economy teeters on the brink of a trade war with its louder neighbour.

He’s a different kettle of fish to his predecessor, and his no-nonsense attitude towards trade and economic matters will have big ramifications for Canada and beyond.

That’s the spirit—if you can still afford it.

The EU is dusting off its trade war arsenal, slapping $28bn worth of retaliatory tariffs on US goods starting April 1, after Washington refused to play nice on steel and aluminium duties.

Donald Trump, whose approach to diplomacy has all the subtlety of your racist uncle at a family dinner, is making good on his campaign promises—threatening a 200% tariff on EU booze, including wine and champagne, unless Brussels backs off.

This, of course, follows his 25% tariffs on all steel and aluminium imports, a 25% duty on all goods from Canada and Mexico, and a 30% levy on Chinese imports—ostensibly to curb fentanyl smuggling (looking at you JD Vance’s mum).

The EU's own measures include import taxes on textiles, appliances, and farm products, while China slapped up to 15% taxes on American agricultural exports—because why settle for a trade war when you can trigger a full-scale global tariff cat fight, claws and all.

In the meantime, all you Americans can drown your sorrows in a lovely case of Chateau du Coors Light 2025.

Vladimir Putin agrees with the idea of a ceasefire in Ukraine, but "questions" remain 

Russia has submitted a list of demands to the US as part of a proposed ceasefire deal to end its invasion of Ukraine and reset relations with Washington.

Ukraine agreed to a 30-day ceasefire during peace talks in Saudi Arabia, facilitated by UK officials.

Moscow’s demands likely include Ukraine’s disarmament and a ban on NATO or EU membership. Putin has agreed to the truce but insists it must address the “root causes” of the war.

The more Russia Today-inclined spies among you may cite continued NATO expansion eastward as the primary bee in Putin’s bonnet and the “root cause” in question.

Meanwhile, the more Economist reading soy milk lovers in the audience might argue that growing enthusiasm for NATO in Moldova, Georgia, and Ukraine stems from Russian aggression, not the other way around.

Either way, in beautifully diplomatic tones, Botox face Putin has warned Ukrainian troops in Kursk to “surrender or die” and insists Ukraine must withdraw from four occupied regions.

Meanwhile, modestly successful comedian and world leader Zelenskyy has accused Putin of stalling negotiations while rejecting conditions that would complicate peace efforts.

The US, led by Trump’s envoy, is negotiating with Russia, but skepticism remains high, given Moscow’s track record of breaking ceasefires.

Europe’s largest battery manufacturer Northvolt files for bankruptcy

Once touted as Europe’s answer to China’s battery dominance, Northvolt was the continent’s best-funded startup, raising an astonishing $15 billion from governments and investors.

The enthusiasm stemmed from the Nordic region’s history of startup success—Spotify, Klarna, and Novo Nordisk—but Northvolt’s Nordic fairy tale ended being more Brothers Grimm than anything else .

The company collapsed under the immense technical challenges of scaling battery production, struggling with manufacturing issues that left its Swedish giga(chad)factory barely functional.

Despite a planned 16 GWh capacity, it operated at a fraction of that at any given point, with management focusing on unrealistic expansion instead of making their domestic plant work properly.

With Northvolt’s demise, Europe’s ambitions for a homegrown battery industry have taken a major hit. Now, reliance on foreign manufacturers—South Korea’s LG Energy Solution and China’s CATL—will only grow.

Ironically, Northvolt’s assets may even be picked off by the very Chinese firms it was meant to challenge.

Asia continues to dominate—Chinese battery giants are investing in Germany and Hungary, while Taiwan’s TSMC builds America’s top chip factory.

Meanwhile, Volkswagen, BlackRock, and JPMorgan, which banked on taxpayer backing to keep Northvolt afloat, are left with an expensive bill and fuck all return on their investment.

Labour gut NHS England in major shakeup to the health service

The UK government is undertaking a dramatic overhaul of NHS England, effectively dismantling the body that has overseen the health service since 2013.

Following her resignation, chief executive Amanda Pritchard announced on March 10th that senior leaders, including the chief financial officer, chief operating officer, and chief delivery officer, would also depart.

Up to 6,500 jobs were intended to be cut as part of the restructuring.

But then the government just decided to bin the whole thing altogether.

NHS England was created to allow long-term planning and shield the service from political interference. In the angelic words of Nina Simone, “I’m just a soul whose intentions are good.”

But Health Secretary Wes Streeting argues it had turned into an excessively bureaucratic monster with limited ministerial oversight and too much internal politics of its own to be of any use to anyone.

The NHS faces worsening performance: 6.2 million people are on waiting lists, productivity is 18.5% lower than before COVID, and emergency departments routinely experience 12-hour waits.

The plan is to reabsorb NHS England into the Department of Health and Social Care, in theory bringing it more under government control and allowing them to decentralise, shift care into communities, and overhaul the NHS for an aging, sicker population.

In theory at least, it all sounds promising. Now let’s see what the reality ends up looking like.

Tesla's latest decline could be one for the history books according to JP Morgan

On the spectrum Tony Stark Elon Musk got a shiny new endorsement from Donald Trump this week—an EV purchase from the president himself.

He won’t be able to drive it for at least 4 years, but given that he doesn’t drink yet still feels the need to fuck everyone else’s weekend up with booze tariffs, we doubt that’ll matter very much.

More concerningly, it would appear Trump’s trade policies are causing serious concern at his BFF’s company.

Musk’s antics haven’t exactly helped either. His far-right flirtations have sparked protests, Tesla showrooms have been vandalised and in Germany sales have plunged 76% in February.

Meanwhile, in the U.S., where Musk is now a part of Trump’s government, consumer backlash remains strong.

But it’s not just politics damaging Tesla.

Sales were already declining before Elon became Trump’s eunuch advisor, compounded by increasing competition from China and the decision to abandon a cheaper Model 2 in favour of robotaxis and humanoid robots.

The suits are not impressed.

Tesla has lost so much value in such a short period of time that analysts at JPMorgan have said they couldn't think of another comparable moment in automotive history.

🍻Half Pints

Quick-fire news you might have missed

Memes of the Week

Random Fact of the Week

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